MeltDOWNS and Picking Yourself Back UP

On Monday I had a meltdown.  

I seriously sobbed for about 2 hours straight.  I was sitting in a new teacher training worrying about how dangerous my school placement would be.  I was feeling bad that my husband would have to be at work worrying about me every day.  I had that uncomfortable stomach-ache feeling you get when you're sitting in a class and plotting whether or not it would be worth the extra work to switch out of it even though it's been a few days and you really just want to be settled in and 100% invested in whatever you decide.  Then I found out I have to work every single day my family is here to visit me.  Then I went to the orthodontist who said that I would need 4 teeth pulled for him to do braces for me.  

At this point I am silently telling myself, "Hold it together, hold it together, hold it together - at least til you get to the car for goodness sake!"

And I drove home peacefully.  Then the floodgates opened.  And I cried to my mom.  I wanted to talk to my husband but alas he was states and states away in New York, and at work.  And that made me even sadder.  I just wanted him to hold me and tell me everything was going to be fine, but I couldn't even talk to him.  

But luckily I had my mom.  She has the most amazing knack for comforting people.  She will sit and just listen to you.  If she's there she'll rub your back or bring you kleenex.  Then she'll comment only when you're ready to stop talking and say something that is actually rational, but not rational like a man might say it to you.  More like, "When I was here, I felt like this but it ended up being ok."  But in the meantime she'll just listen and share and maybe start crying with you because she hates to see (or hear) you so sad.  

Then my husband finally got a chance to call me and I talked through everything with him too.  Just released all my pent-up worry, and stress, and fear, and uncertainty.  And then I felt a heck of a lot better.  

In fact, by the end of those two hours of sobbing, I felt like I wasn't sure why I was crying anyway.  My school wasn't really that scary, in fact, there were a ton of things that were awesome about it!  Like my department chair and my instructional coach - they had given me more resources and information about our school than any other Teach for America (TFA) person I'd talked to.  So really, I was pretty lucky.  

Once I purged myself of all emotion, I actually started feeling really good about everything.  I would just throw away that orthodontist's card and find another one.  I would see if I could get out of one of my days of work while my family was visiting, or just make the most of every day after 4-5pm.  I would get excited about teaching at my high school again because the kids needed me at my best.

The next day of course, I drove to work.  After work, I turned the key for some AC in the 105 degree Texas heat, and the car wouldn't start.  Good 'ole Kanye came through the speakers, the lights turned on, and the car beeped at me, but not the tiniest click from the motor.  BUMMER.  

But, seriously, I actually felt lucky.  I felt lucky because I had AAA.  So I called them and waited for them to come.  I also felt lucky because some of my coworkers offered to let me come over to their house if I had to wait a long time.  How nice is that???  Coworkers who I barely knew (recognized, but didn't even know all their names)!  I also felt lucky because the high school our training was at was still unlocked and air-conditioned.  So I could wait inside there away from the debilitating heat.  

Then when the AAA guy arrived he said I could sit in his air-conditioned truck while he ran all the tests.  So I was lucky because of that, too.  Then the AAA guy couldn't fix the car.  It wasn't a battery problem - probably the starter.  But he called a tow-truck.  And luckily, the school was still unlocked and it had free wifi, so I could look up some places to take it to.  And luckily, because the tow truck took so long to come, I had time to call around and get some price estimates if it was the starter.  And read online reviews.  And feel bummed about having to deal with this instead of calling to set up a dentist appointment now that we had insurance or find a different orthodontist, but what can you do.  

And at that moment, sitting all alone in the 3rd floor cafeteria of an abandoned high school after hours, I thought about crying again.  I remembered my meltdown from the day before and I thought to myself, I would be totally justified in crying right now.  But then I checked myself.  And I didn't want to cry.  Because no one was picking on me - life just happens.  Bummer things happen to random people all the time.  And it wasn't my fault, but it wasn't anyone else's fault either, so I was just going to have to deal.

So I did.  I went back to the car, said a quick prayer that the car would start and tried it again.  The first time, still nothing.  The second time, it started!  I am so grateful that it did.  I was able to call off the tow-man, drive myself to a gas station, get gas, and lo and behold—it started again!  I even drove it to Walmart and back later that night (which if it had not started then would have been truly disastrous). 

And even when the car refused to start again this morning, I felt grateful, not annoyed.  At least it got me home last night.  At least I had an amazing friend who picked me up and drove me to work.  At least this same friend gave me a ride home from work.  At least another friend who I don’t even know very well volunteered to take me to and from work tomorrow.  At least I have AAA, so the tow to the auto shop doesn’t cost me anything more than the annual membership fee.  Pretty much I’m very lucky. 

And even though some kind of annoying things keep happening to me, being able to see how fortunate I am keeps the stress at a minimum.  So thank you to all the excellent people in this world—you help me pick everything back up after the meltdowns.